— wash your hair
— brush your teeth
— do your nails
— sign a cheque
— throw a fit
— scratch an itch
— call the cops
Never ________ while playing piano
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--- pet a porcupine
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Answer your phone.
You see videos of orchestra performances. All of a sudden somebody’s phone starts ringing. Sounds like it’s coming from the clarinet section. The person who owns the phone keeps playing and pretends not to notice. Then the conductor stops. Everybody look towards the direction of the ring. The clarinet player smiles and gets embarrassed…
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Sgisela I was initially going to say ‘smoke,’ as I had in mind a certain piano that had an ash tray built into a cheek block!
It is interesting seeing some older pictures or videos where musicians were smoking. I think of a Bill Evans photo where he's got a cigarette hanging out one side of his mouth. I think of several videos I've seen of Frank Sinatra workin' on a cigarette as he's performing on stage. And there are others.
Can't lie, sometimes the raspy tone of some of those smokers is kinda appealing to some of us who don't smoke and don't have that "edge" to our voices. But I'm still not gonna take up smoking.
Oh, and I almost forgot... there are the Oscar Peterson types... I don't know if Oscar ever smoked, I didn't think he did, but he always had his towel perched somewhere on the piano and would grab it and wipe the sweat off his head, didn't matter if it was in the middle of a song or not, the other hand just kept on playing and most people would never know the difference. LOL!
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Store your chewed gum on the fallboard.
Not based on a true story by the way, but on a song my father used to sing when I was a kid:
Never drink coffee (or tea). If you have a spill, it's going to affect the action. Coffee into a DP would ruin the internal circuit.
Animisha sneeze!
There's a passage in Patrick Süskind's book Die Geschichte von Herrn Sommer where the fictional author, remembering his childhood, tells the story of a fatal piano lesson with Fräulein Funkel. He is playing a duet with her, and keeps playing an F natural instead of an F# at a particular point. She gets angry at him and hits the note several times, saying "That is an F#". Then she has to sneeze. She wipes the snot from her nose with her finger and hits the note several more times. She thus deposits a large booger on the F# key. When they repeat the passage, the boy cannot bring himself to touch the disgusting mess on the key, and therefore in desperation once more plays an F natural. Fräulein Funkel goes into a tantrum of rage and throws him out.
Drink coffee!
I said that from experience - some of these suggestions had me spit out my morning coffee I was laughing so hard. Fortunately I wasn't at the piano and the computer keyboard is used to that type of abuse and proven it can take it 
Bellyman It is interesting seeing some older pictures or videos where musicians were smoking. I think of a Bill Evans photo where he's got a cigarette hanging out one side of his mouth. I think of several videos I've seen of Frank Sinatra workin' on a cigarette as he's performing on stage. And there are others.
Can't lie, sometimes the raspy tone of some of those smokers is kinda appealing to some of us who don't smoke and don't have that "edge" to our voices. But I'm still not gonna take up smoking.
Oh, and I almost forgot... there are the Oscar Peterson types... I don't know if Oscar ever smoked, I didn't think he did, but he always had his towel perched somewhere on the piano and would grab it and wipe the sweat off his head, didn't matter if it was in the middle of a song or not, the other hand just kept on playing and most people would never know the difference. LOL!
I recall seeing a YouTube of Martha Argerich working on a piece at the piano and she had a free standing ash tray (on a pedestal) and cigarettes just to the side of the bench, within easy reach. She looked to be in her thirties or so in the video.
MRC There's a passage in Patrick Süskind's book Die Geschichte von Herrn Sommer where the fictional author, remembering his childhood, tells the story of a fatal piano lesson with Fräulein Funkel. He is playing a duet with her, and keeps playing an F natural instead of an F# at a particular point. She gets angry at him and hits the note several times, saying "That is an F#". Then she has to sneeze. She wipes the snot from her nose with her finger and hits the note several more times. She thus deposits a large booger on the F# key. When they repeat the passage, the boy cannot bring himself to touch the disgusting mess on the key, and therefore in desperation once more plays an F natural. Fräulein Funkel goes into a tantrum of rage and throws him out.
That is hilarious.
There's a passage in Patrick Süskind's book Die Geschichte von Herrn Sommer where the fictional author, remembering his childhood, tells the story of a fatal piano lesson with Fräulein Funkel. He is playing a duet with her, and keeps playing an F natural instead of an F# at a particular point. She gets angry at him and hits the note several times, saying "That is an F#". Then she has to sneeze. She wipes the snot from her nose with her finger and hits the note several more times. She thus deposits a large booger on the F# key. When they repeat the passage, the boy cannot bring himself to touch the disgusting mess on the key, and therefore in desperation once more plays an F natural. Fräulein Funkel goes into a tantrum of rage and throws him out.
Very funny! But when readying the story I thought the punchline would be that the teacher would sneeze during the recital when he plays F natural so nobody hears the mistake. 
*
... feeling like the pianist on the Titanic ...
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MRC
The way I'd handle the situation is to stick a piece of gum on the F out of my mouth so he wouldn't touch the F. A more polite way to do it is to take a narrow piece of sticky note put a big X on it and put it on the F to remind somebody not to play that key.
It's obvious the person playing piano doesn't have a good ear that can tell between F & F#.
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Sorry I've neglected this thread so long! I should clarify that I'm not writing a song from scratch--I'm adapting an existing song for use in the August recital here. Some of your input is definitely going to make it into the lyrics! I think I'll keep the specifics a secret until the recital.
Sgisela I was initially going to say ‘smoke,’ as I had in mind a certain piano that had an ash tray built into a cheek block!
That is crazy. Was it removable? How would one get the ashes out (and if it's removable, then isn't it a waste to add to the piano?)
Bellyman Can't lie, sometimes the raspy tone of some of those smokers is kinda appealing to some of us who don't smoke and don't have that "edge" to our voices. But I'm still not gonna take up smoking.
Hm, I would never think that! But I do agree that listening to a smoker's voice brings back some nostalgia, as there aren't so many crooners these days that do.
TLH21 Not based on a true story by the way, but on a song my father used to sing when I was a kid:
Great song!
MRC There's a passage in Patrick Süskind's book Die Geschichte von Herrn Sommer where the fictional author, remembering his childhood, tells the story of a fatal piano lesson with Fräulein Funkel.
What a story!! Thank you for sharing it.
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Wow, those pedals! What am I looking at? Why? Also, I find it interesting that the pianist is smoking left-handed. Is that normal?
It’s a curiosity, for sure. I haven’t seen it in person, but apparently it has an absurd number of lid props as well— maybe 12.
There was another very similar piano that someone was looking at, but it didn’t have the ash tray. So my guess is that the ashtray was a ‘custom’ addition, and perhaps the original owner was left handed.
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Bellyman Frank Sinatra? Raspy tone? Both Frank and Dean Martin smoked, and like you said, often had a lit gasper while performing. Two of the smoothest crooners ever. Judy Garland and Sarah Vaughn smoked.
I once went to a Dionne Warwick concert, had a great seat, could see her offstage taking the final drags before coming out. John Lennon and Paul McCartney smoked, as did Crosby, Stills and Nash. Joni Mitchell smoked. Not a raspy voice in the bunch.
On the other hand, Tom Waits, Dr. John, Joe Cocker and Janis Joplin were smokers. Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie smoked, too. Probably more to do with genetics than tobacco. And, no, I never smoked, other than the odd Newport the drummer in a band I played in during high school would offer.
rsl12 Never tickle the soprano while playing piano,
for her current gentleman fellow might be first or second cello.
Disrupting the strings is certainly one of those things,
where the members of percussion would join in the discussion.
Woodwinds and brass might let the whole thing pass,
But the conductor, reserving judgement, to a whether or a why,
would wait to hear if the diva's note were of a proper high.
