ShiroKuro I think youā€™re being hard on yourself! I know you posted the ā€˜best of,ā€™ but it sounded more than creditable (despite the out-of-tune-ness of the piano). As @Ithaca commented, thereā€™s something special about the effort of an in-person performance, and Iā€™m sure your audience appreciated it.

Give yourself a big pat on the back for doing this. I think it takes courage and commitment to get on a stage and play in front of strangers, and you will only get better at it by doing it. I know that you love this music, and I think the wonderful thing about playing for others is sharing something you love (and that youā€™ve put a lot of effort into). I am sure you conveyed this to the audience in your playing, and Iā€™m sure they appreciated it.

On a different note, I will venture to guess that delta between this performance and the you were really happy with may not have been as big as it currently feels. Iā€™ve had the experience of recording things and being really really frustrated with myself and feeling like I really really botched it. Then I finally get a take that in the moment seems pretty good and that I feel happy with. Listening back later, though, while I usually agree with my assessment about which was the better recording, Iā€™m often struck by there not being nearly as much difference in the quality (the bad ones werenā€™t so bad and the best one wasnā€™t so so great). I also find that with time, my feelings about a particular performance change ā€” and Iā€™m not as hard on myself with a little distance.

      Sgisela I think youā€™re being hard on yourself!

      Youā€™re probably rightā€¦. The only thing I want to say to that is that one goal I have for performing is to not have a gap in playing where I come to a complete stand-still. In the recording I shared here, thereā€™s one spot where thereā€™s kind of a too-long pause, but thatā€™s about it, itā€™s barely noticeable. Iā€™m ok with that.

      But in the recordings that I didnā€™t share, there is one spot in each piece where I came to a complete stop, total silence. And itā€™s long enough IMO to be awkward and a little bit uncomfortable ā€” certainly uncomfortable for me but also uncomfortable for the audience. IMO thatā€™s worse than wrong notes. And that, coming to a complete stop, is something Iā€™d like to be able to not have happen in future performances. To keep the music going.

      I think thatā€™s a good goal to have, and itā€™s do-able ā€” unlike setting a goal like ā€œdo a note-perfect performance,ā€ which is not only going to be unachievable but also isnā€™t an interesting goal in terms of musicality.

      Sgisela I will venture to guess that delta between this performance and the you were really happy with may not have been as big as it currently feels.

      This is a super interesting point and one that I hadnā€™t thought of!

      With regard to the recording I posted here, Iā€™m sure youā€™re right. Again the only thing Iā€™ll add is, with regard to the times where I came to a compete stand-still, to me that is where the big difference comes from. That not having that ā€œfreezeā€ moment makes a huge difference.

      The other thing is that I think the real difference with my Thursday performance is something completely intangibleā€¦ something outside of the realm of assessment or evaluation, something completely detached from questions like ā€œdid I play the right notes, correct tempo, good dynamicsā€ or that sort of thing.

      I think itā€™s what we all hope for, why we even play piano in the first place, that intangible connection to music that is beyond anything we can express in words. And itā€™s probably not something I could have captured on a recording even if I could have played that well with a recording going.

      Iā€™m just grateful to have been able to experience it, to have been able to create it, and to have been able to share it.

      And at the risk of repeating myself, Iā€™m really grateful that I was able to have that experience so quickly after the concert, because it really helped to dispel the lingering disappointment and helped to re-motivate me. šŸ™‚

          You did it! Hooray!!!!

          Your post performance playing was better because you pushed the boundary of fear and uncertainty back toward where it belongs. (Which is someplace close to Pluto.) This let the real you shine like you're supposed to.

          Thanks for sharing this journey on your performance. So many - majority of us - will have some level of jitters, and performance anxiety when doing something as difficult and complex as playing piano in front of an audience. Many of these emotions you shared are quite relatable.

          It's really great to hear that you played again and did it so well. I do think that in front of strangers, we may feel there's a higher sense of judgement from them. Even if we "know" that's not necessarily true; or that the audience specifically says we did well, it's hard to really think or believe it. With close family and friends, there's less of that "stakes are high" feeling, because were feel accepted, and thus calmer, and likely to perform with more calmness.

          Anyway, it was cool reading your journey. Keep playing away!

          ShiroKuro
          A very late response. It was so interesting to read your performance report, and I am so happy for you that you played so well on Thursday. But your piece as you played it on Tuesday, it was still lovely! And, very musical.
          Thank you, for your courage, for telling us and giving us the opportunity to listen to you, and for your beautiful playing.šŸ„°

          *
          ... feeling like the pianist on the Titanic ...

              Ithaca in this digital world we can download multiple benchmark executions of almost any piece played by professionals who have spent their entire lives honing their art.

              I once read that before music could be recorded, the audience did not know how a certain piece of music was supposed to sound, and there was considerable variation amongst pianists who interpreted the score.
              With recordings came a standardisation, and the demand for perfection.

              Now I never perform, and only record, but when I make my recordings, I try to think: performance, not perfection!

              *
              ... feeling like the pianist on the Titanic ...

                ShiroKuro this concert was in one of the event rooms at a ā€œretirement center,ā€ which is attached to an independent living community

                Performing for these retirement centers is such a wonderful thing for the attendees and they really don't care about a few missed notes or anything else. They are just so happy that someone came to give them the gift of live music ā¤ļø I'm sure performing will get easier for you, and next time you'll know what to expect from that piano šŸ™‚

                  ShiroKuro Your performance was great! The recording has the "live audience" energy that elevates everything. You did a good job plowing through your mistakes, which is I think the most important skill to learn from performing live.

                  The piano doesn't sound too bad. But perhaps you can blame the shallow keybed for your subpar first two pieces??

                    Thank you @rsl12 !!

                    ā€œPlowing throughā€ ā€” I like that description! Thatā€™s the goal!!