Performance Report #2 (plus recording)
ShiroKuro Don't be discouraged - its all part of the process of learning to play in public. You need more experience and more exposure to the pressure of public playing. You will not always get better at it, there will be some ups and downs, and it may take years. But in the meantime you can have a lot of "fun" playing for others. You will have successes and it will be something you can be proud of.
Now, when is your next public performance? Frequent opportunities to practice are best!
ShiroKuro I really enjoyed reading your story. I can relate to a lot of your experience here and I'm really glad that you had another opportunity to play the way that you hear the music in your head.
The environment, the piano, and the audience can really make a difference even when it's a small change. Once my teacher told me to play on as many different pianos as I could before a performance. I did this and I think it might have helped some but only so much. As usual, I had some trouble playing the way that I wanted but got more comfortable the longer I was up there. I also found that I was significantly better at playing those pieces once I had recovered from the experience. But sometimes that recovery is really rough and long if you let it get to you. I don't think that that happens to me anymore because it probably happens less the more you put yourself through the experience. And what I try to do now when I get up on stage and perform in a new place and with people that I don't know, I try to feel about the situation the way you felt when you were in your own home. Not super easy to get into a headspace like that but I think it helps to not be concerned about playing with some exact outcome.
Congrats on your performance!
Sam You will have successes and it will be something you can be proud of.
Yes, and after all is said and done, I am proud of myself. As another friend pointed out, I played 3 pieces! And not so horribly. In front of 50 strangers. And I ended well. Thatās all something to be proud of!
Now, when is your next public performance? Frequent opportunities to practice are best!
Well Iām going to play in the kidās recital again and thatās in April. But Iām hoping that there will be another concert at this center sooner than that, that I can join again. Maybe February. 
Pathbreaker I also found that I was significantly better at playing those pieces once I had recovered from the experience.
Yep! Thatās definitely what happened to me yesterday!
But sometimes that recovery is really rough and long if you let it get to you.
Yes, and fortunately this time I was able to recover pretty quickly and thatās why I felt up to playing for my guests. And then playing for my guests helped me recover even more.
I think the ability to recover and move on more quickly is another thing I will take away from this concert.
I think this experience has propelled me back a little bit closer to where I was before the pandemic started, not in terms of playing ability (I think Iām a better player now), but in terms of being more willing to play for others.
As @Sam said, that doesnāt mean itās going to be smooth sailing from now on ā itās guaranteed that it wonāt be. It just means that hopefully the recovery time will be shorter 
That is a lovely message, @Ithaca ! Thank you!
I think you make an important point. And I do think that the audience on Tuesday was a sympathetic one. Many people complimented me after I played, which was very nice and much appreciated.
So thatās really important to remember. And maybe that will also help with the ārecovery timeā we discussed above.
ShiroKuro I think youāre being hard on yourself! I know you posted the ābest of,ā but it sounded more than creditable (despite the out-of-tune-ness of the piano). As @Ithaca commented, thereās something special about the effort of an in-person performance, and Iām sure your audience appreciated it.
Give yourself a big pat on the back for doing this. I think it takes courage and commitment to get on a stage and play in front of strangers, and you will only get better at it by doing it. I know that you love this music, and I think the wonderful thing about playing for others is sharing something you love (and that youāve put a lot of effort into). I am sure you conveyed this to the audience in your playing, and Iām sure they appreciated it.
On a different note, I will venture to guess that delta between this performance and the you were really happy with may not have been as big as it currently feels. Iāve had the experience of recording things and being really really frustrated with myself and feeling like I really really botched it. Then I finally get a take that in the moment seems pretty good and that I feel happy with. Listening back later, though, while I usually agree with my assessment about which was the better recording, Iām often struck by there not being nearly as much difference in the quality (the bad ones werenāt so bad and the best one wasnāt so so great). I also find that with time, my feelings about a particular performance change ā and Iām not as hard on myself with a little distance.
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Sgisela I think youāre being hard on yourself!
Youāre probably rightā¦. The only thing I want to say to that is that one goal I have for performing is to not have a gap in playing where I come to a complete stand-still. In the recording I shared here, thereās one spot where thereās kind of a too-long pause, but thatās about it, itās barely noticeable. Iām ok with that.
But in the recordings that I didnāt share, there is one spot in each piece where I came to a complete stop, total silence. And itās long enough IMO to be awkward and a little bit uncomfortable ā certainly uncomfortable for me but also uncomfortable for the audience. IMO thatās worse than wrong notes. And that, coming to a complete stop, is something Iād like to be able to not have happen in future performances. To keep the music going.
I think thatās a good goal to have, and itās do-able ā unlike setting a goal like ādo a note-perfect performance,ā which is not only going to be unachievable but also isnāt an interesting goal in terms of musicality.
Sgisela I will venture to guess that delta between this performance and the you were really happy with may not have been as big as it currently feels.
This is a super interesting point and one that I hadnāt thought of!
With regard to the recording I posted here, Iām sure youāre right. Again the only thing Iāll add is, with regard to the times where I came to a compete stand-still, to me that is where the big difference comes from. That not having that āfreezeā moment makes a huge difference.
The other thing is that I think the real difference with my Thursday performance is something completely intangibleā¦ something outside of the realm of assessment or evaluation, something completely detached from questions like ādid I play the right notes, correct tempo, good dynamicsā or that sort of thing.
I think itās what we all hope for, why we even play piano in the first place, that intangible connection to music that is beyond anything we can express in words. And itās probably not something I could have captured on a recording even if I could have played that well with a recording going.
Iām just grateful to have been able to experience it, to have been able to create it, and to have been able to share it.
And at the risk of repeating myself, Iām really grateful that I was able to have that experience so quickly after the concert, because it really helped to dispel the lingering disappointment and helped to re-motivate me. 
You did it! Hooray!!!!
Your post performance playing was better because you pushed the boundary of fear and uncertainty back toward where it belongs. (Which is someplace close to Pluto.) This let the real you shine like you're supposed to.
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Thanks for sharing this journey on your performance. So many - majority of us - will have some level of jitters, and performance anxiety when doing something as difficult and complex as playing piano in front of an audience. Many of these emotions you shared are quite relatable.
It's really great to hear that you played again and did it so well. I do think that in front of strangers, we may feel there's a higher sense of judgement from them. Even if we "know" that's not necessarily true; or that the audience specifically says we did well, it's hard to really think or believe it. With close family and friends, there's less of that "stakes are high" feeling, because were feel accepted, and thus calmer, and likely to perform with more calmness.
Anyway, it was cool reading your journey. Keep playing away!
Thank you @HeartKeys !
ShiroKuro
A very late response. It was so interesting to read your performance report, and I am so happy for you that you played so well on Thursday. But your piece as you played it on Tuesday, it was still lovely! And, very musical.
Thank you, for your courage, for telling us and giving us the opportunity to listen to you, and for your beautiful playing.
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... feeling like the pianist on the Titanic ...
Ithaca in this digital world we can download multiple benchmark executions of almost any piece played by professionals who have spent their entire lives honing their art.
I once read that before music could be recorded, the audience did not know how a certain piece of music was supposed to sound, and there was considerable variation amongst pianists who interpreted the score.
With recordings came a standardisation, and the demand for perfection.
Now I never perform, and only record, but when I make my recordings, I try to think: performance, not perfection!
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... feeling like the pianist on the Titanic ...
ShiroKuro this concert was in one of the event rooms at a āretirement center,ā which is attached to an independent living community
Performing for these retirement centers is such a wonderful thing for the attendees and they really don't care about a few missed notes or anything else. They are just so happy that someone came to give them the gift of live music 
I'm sure performing will get easier for you, and next time you'll know what to expect from that piano
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ShiroKuro Your performance was great! The recording has the "live audience" energy that elevates everything. You did a good job plowing through your mistakes, which is I think the most important skill to learn from performing live.
The piano doesn't sound too bad. But perhaps you can blame the shallow keybed for your subpar first two pieces??