I have a very strong sense of pulse. This is a good skill to have, but sometimes it's actually too strong and I find it difficult to deviate from a steady tempo. I have no problem with a typical ritardando, but using rubato or pausing slightly on stressed notes does not come naturally to me. My default tendency is to feel like I always have to play in time. When I do manage to work in some ebb & flow with the tempo, more often than not it's basically scripted/planned...which doesn't seem like a great approach either (at least not long-term).
This comes up periodically in my lessons. This past week, I played through a section and then my teacher asked me to play it again while purposely distorting the rhythm. This was a huge challenge for me and required a lot of my focus. He said although the rhythmic inconsistency was slightly jarring, he actually found that version more pleasing to listen to. Ouch! To my ears, it had sounded a bit like I was playing drunk.
I will add that I do not practice with a metronome excessively. I think this is just a side effect of playing (another instrument) in a group/following a conductor for nearly 40 years.
Has anyone recovered from a similar affliction? If so, I'd be interested in hearing some strategies that were helpful. Fair warning: if you tell me all I need to do is "just feel the music," I'm liable to throw something at you. 😬