Well, I played in the concert on Tuesday, and I think I’ve recovered enough to share a report. If you want the tl;dr version, scroll to the bottom and listen to the recording, which was song #3, which was the one I played best out of the three.

So as I shared earlier, this concert was in one of the event rooms at a “retirement center,” which is attached to an independent living community. They apparently do music events a lot, the contact at the center had programs printed up, they kept people out of the room until just beforehand so the performers could warm up etc. and it was clear that the attendees were regulars at the events and looking forward to it.

When they opened the room, it filled up quickly and was packed! I counted about 50 chairs plus extra chairs in the back and almost all were full. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting that, but I wasn’t.

The concert is organized by a student organization at the music school that’s part of the university where I work, the student president of that organization was there and did a little intro at the beginning talking about using music to connect to the community and so on, that was sweet.

I played first (at my request). I introduced myself and my pieces, which was good actually, and fortunately, I knew that might happen so I was prepared. As planned, I played Moments, September Song, and Reminiscence (linked below). I started out ok but between the new piano, the various unfamiliar noises in the room and my shaky hands, it was not good. I made one big mistake in the middle that was quite noticeable (among other fumbles and blips). Then Sept. Song went a little better. I think I was playing too fast compared to my goal tempo, but bc my goal tempo is pretty slow, I think the tempo was actually ok and definitely manageable. I played through a few fumbles really well (i.e., I didn’t play as written but no one without the score would have noticed).

Both Moments and Sept Song had one spot each in the middle where I got lost and had to replay or my LH dropped out completely. That to me is the big disappointment.

Then came Reminiscence. Last piece (whew!). Somehow, my shakes were almost completely dissipated. Yay for playing more than one piece in a performance! I did much better overall, the mistakes and fumbles in the piece were much less noticeable, or less distracting. No spots where one hand completely dropped out, no stops, no replays, one gap but not too bad. Whew.

The nice thing about playing first was that, after I finished, I got to enjoy the other performers! There were two others, both music students at my uni. One played after me and then again at the end, the whole program (including me) was almost exactly an hour. After me was Bach’s Partita No. 3 in A minor (complete, which was slightly more Han 25 minutes long IIRC). Then 7 Fantasien Op 116 by Brahms (which is maybe 20 minutes long?) And then a Chinese piece, maybe it was a folk song classically arranged, I’m not sure. The pianist translated the title as “Autumn Moon on a Calm Lake.” It was just lovely.

These two pianists were both excellent (and, btw, note-perfect to my ear, and very musical). I especially loved the Bach and the Chinese piece, and my mother (who is here for Thanksgiving, so she came with) said she loved the Brahms.

So that was it.

After the concert was over, at first, I was just filled with the feeling of disappointment. Disappointment at my performance being so, so far off of what I would have hoped or what I feel I should be capable of. It occurred to me that maybe this is one of the reasons why adult pianists, especially (or primarily?) those who start as adults, don’t continue… because we know how we want to sound, we have a very clear understanding of musicality. And it can just feel demoralizing to not be able to recreate that when it matters most. And I was thinking, maybe I shouldn’t play with this organization again, especially because the quality of my performance was so, so much lower than the quality of the performances of the other two pianists…

But that was Tuesday. Then yesterday (Thanksgiving), we hosted two friends who are colleagues from work, one is from Japan and one from China and neither of them have family here. I made a big traditional Thanksgiving meal, after we ate (and before dessert), I played for them. I played the three pieces I had played at the concert, and one more that I’m working on, so about 20 minutes of music.

I played as well as I’ve ever played in my entire life, perhaps better even. Probably as close to note-perfect as I’ll ever get, but more important, my playing was so, so musical. If you asked me how I would want to play, what my ideal performance of these pieces would be, that was it, how I played yesterday.

I’m getting tears in my eyes right now just thinking about it. That might sound weird, but truly, that was how I hear these pieces in my head. I would never have thought I would be able to play that well after my disastrous performance on Tuesday. Later, my mother (who, you will remember, was at Tuesday’s concert) said how lovely the pieces sounded and how nicely I had played (so I know it wasn’t my imagination! 😃

How is that even possible? How was I able to play that way on Thursday, even with an audience (albeit a much smaller audience), when I couldn’t play half even half that well on Tuesday? Was I able to play that way yesterday because of my experience with these pieces playing at the concert on Tuesday? Maybe. That seems quite plausible actually. It also helps that I was completely relaxed, had nothing to prove, and no expectations. I had just fed my guests a very yummy meal, and there was no pressure at the piano. Also, it was my piano, that I’m used to playing, that I love, and that sounds gorgeous and is a joy to play. As much as I was focused on playing, I was also just listening to the piano and enjoying it. And rather than being distracted by an unfamiliar and crappy piano with a very dissatisfying shallow keybed, I was simply enjoying the smooth action of my piano, which feels just the way I like it. Oh and lastly, the smaller audience, made up of friends and family, also must have helped. So certainly all these details were part of why I was able to play that way yesterday.

But also, I’m sure the experience of playing in Tuesday's concert, feeling that high-pressure, high-stress atmosphere, getting the “shaky hands” and playing despite them…. I’m sure all of that played a role as well in how I was able to play so much better on Thursday.

So — thank you if you’ve read this far — in conclusion, I think I have (mostly) recovered from the initial feeling of disappointment at my concert performance, and if I have the opportunity, I’d like to play there again. The stress and pressure of a Tuesday concert is more than worth it if I can play like I did at my Thursday gathering.

I may never get a recording of the way (quality) I played on Thursday. You'll have to come to my house and hear me play live for that. But here's the best of the three from Tuesday's concert, Reminiscence. For what it's worth, I'd say this performance is better than my PT recital recording, but the piano is worse. 😅